Q.E.D.

This speaks for itself. My Public Intellectual class has some amazing assignments.

me: so we had to do some "bad" writing for my public intellectual response today

here's mine

Phil: that sounds so fun

me: To say that the conversive and discursive habits of those garrisoned within the Ivory Tower are less than limpid (that is to say, in a word, equivocal) is a not manifold position which finds itself too often espoused by too large a segment of the populous at large. These so-called arbiters of some undefined "authority"(1) maintain that academes and intellectuals, particularly those in the American context, have become too subsumed (enslaved) in the culture that births academic writing that they have become overtly and unequivocally concerned with the form of the genre and have thus distanced themselves from any semblance of meaning.

What these pompous, self-appointed cultural critics (Warner and Wallace spring to mind) fail to understand in their supposed apotheosis of clarity is that the nature of intellectual discovery is an abstraction not always accessible to those who would care to fathom its depths. Rather, the complexity of the concepts and the fecundity of the discourse of those privileged enough to partake in the academy necessitate a certain level of abstruseness within the confines of the dialogue between academics.

(1) "Authority," as those primed in the basic levels of sociological academic discourse, is a problematic concept, which, in this author's opinion, should be stricken from both the academic lexicon as well as that of the vox populi. Its inclusion in this debate is reason enough to dismiss this argument, but I shall put aside this obvious weakness and amusement for the moment in service of my and my colleagues' amusement.

Phil: I want to shoot you

me: success!

The One Meme that Must Never Die

Look, Pavement, I'm really happy for you, but the Pixies had one of the BEST reunion tours ever. The BEST.

Look, Joe Wilson and Glenn Beck, I'm really happy that you both think you can act like a doofus on national television, but Bill O'Reilley was doing that WAY before you both were. WAAY before.

Look, H1N1, I'm really impressed by the way you're scaring the crap out of everyone, but the 1918 pandemic was the most deadly influenza strain in modern history. THE MOST DEADLY.

Look, Kanye and Taylor, I'm really amazed by your little spat, but the ending of Lady Gaga's performance was the most amazing* thing about the VMAs. Seriously. She looked like a piece of meat.

*And by amazing, I mean terrifying.

Teenagers Like to Touch Each Other, Study Shows

An increasing number of American teenagers enjoy physical contact with their peers, a study released yesterday indicates.

Americans between the ages of 12 and 20 enjoy behaviors such as "high-fiving, hugging, kissing, necking, snogging, slapping each other upside the head, playing 'Miss Mary Mack,' tickling each other and French braiding each other's hair," said Dr. Aaron Schmitt, a behavioral psychologist at Avondale University, in a press release Tuesday.

According to Dr. Schmitt, teenagers use physical contact as a way to receive affirmation, bond with friends and acquaintances, and as a prelude to "getting jiggy with it."

When pressed as to how they feel about physical contact, local teenagers responded enthusiastically.

"OMG, I love touching!" said Eliza Ho, 15. "I just, like, totally, like, LOOOOVE hugging my friends hello! They are my best friends ever!!!!!" [Ed. note: Miss Ho requested our paper use at least five exclamation points to convey her love for her friends."

"Touching? It's great!" said Danny Schneider, a 14-year-old freshman at nearby Lakeview High. "I love giving girls hugs. Once this girl I like gave me a hug because I helped her cheat on the math test, and I felt her bra strap!"

Despite the inherent pleasure teenagers seem to derive from it, physical contact comes with its own set of rules, however.

"If you're hugging another guy, you've gotta make sure your crotch isn't anywhere near anyone else's," said Schneider.

"It's even better if you both shout 'NOT GAY! NOT GAY!' while patting each other on the back really hard," added his friend, Michael "No Homo" Ross, also 14.

Like their male counterparts, teenage girls also abide by a strict code when engaging in physical contact.

"There was this one girl who, like, totally offended me by wearing the same earrings as me AND liking the same guy," said Ho. "So when I found out about those things, the next time I saw her, I gave her a half-hearted side hug. THAT sure showed her!"

The code also governs male-female contact, though it has varying degrees of success.

"There was this guy who was totally into me, but I didn't like him in THAT way, so I hugged him for two seconds instead of three, but I don't think he got it," said Ho.

Was his name Danny, by any chance?

"How did you know?"

Some things never change.

Original Article: For Teenagers, Hello Means "How about a Hug?"
Further Reading: Is Hugging Bad for Teens?, New York Times Baffled by Teens Hugging