Q.E.D.

This speaks for itself. My Public Intellectual class has some amazing assignments.

me: so we had to do some "bad" writing for my public intellectual response today

here's mine

Phil: that sounds so fun

me: To say that the conversive and discursive habits of those garrisoned within the Ivory Tower are less than limpid (that is to say, in a word, equivocal) is a not manifold position which finds itself too often espoused by too large a segment of the populous at large. These so-called arbiters of some undefined "authority"(1) maintain that academes and intellectuals, particularly those in the American context, have become too subsumed (enslaved) in the culture that births academic writing that they have become overtly and unequivocally concerned with the form of the genre and have thus distanced themselves from any semblance of meaning.

What these pompous, self-appointed cultural critics (Warner and Wallace spring to mind) fail to understand in their supposed apotheosis of clarity is that the nature of intellectual discovery is an abstraction not always accessible to those who would care to fathom its depths. Rather, the complexity of the concepts and the fecundity of the discourse of those privileged enough to partake in the academy necessitate a certain level of abstruseness within the confines of the dialogue between academics.

(1) "Authority," as those primed in the basic levels of sociological academic discourse, is a problematic concept, which, in this author's opinion, should be stricken from both the academic lexicon as well as that of the vox populi. Its inclusion in this debate is reason enough to dismiss this argument, but I shall put aside this obvious weakness and amusement for the moment in service of my and my colleagues' amusement.

Phil: I want to shoot you

me: success!

Of acronyms and exactitude

HOLY CARP. I just learned about this thing calledNaBloPoMo, also known as National Blog Posting Month. It's like NaNoWriMo for people who are more self-involved and less creative! Yay!

Seriously, though, I wish I had found out about this sometime around, say, November 1, so that I could actually do it over a month. Apparently this thing happens every month, but NO, I cannot wait until December, because I am (a) impatient and (b) not quite overloaded enough with four classes, rehearsals for three musical groups, job and fellowship applications, opinions columns, and making poor, poor academic decisions (more on this later). Perhaps I will start now and go until December 7 (a day that will live in infamy!), or perhaps I will count all those opinions columns I need to do backdated posts for as November 1-6. Or perhaps I will fail.

Either way, I will probably need the power of the Holy Carp in this picture to help me. Stay tuned.

Today's Menu: Spam Quarantine Digest Vol. 2

Apologies for the lack of posting-- I've been working on several posts, but by the time each post is close to done, it's no longer relevant. I do have one about the anniversary of the Tienamen Square massacre that I may post anyway even though that was, oh, last week. Stay tuned for thoughtful if belated commentary!

Today I turn to a less somber subject but one no less near and dear to my heart: spam. As I noted here, I get a kick out of reading the Spam Quarantine digest Brown's email service provides as a way to protect lonely undergrads desperate to enlarge their penises from internet scams. Today's digest brought a few more excellent entries:

"Sensation! Hollywood virgins' list!" This email just goes to show you the delightful ambiguity a grammar error can add to one's writing. Not only are there virgins in Hollywood (audible gasp!) but they have a list! Whatever could be on it?! Names of people not to have sex with? I also like the thought that the crazed sex fiends this email is clearly supposed to be targeting would want to know about those stars who are keeping their legs superglued together until marriage.

"Shock! NYers crapped pants" Oh wow, the contents of this email surprised those jaded New Yorkers?? I have to read it! What could it possibly be? Affordable housing prices?

"Hello, wise guy!" Now don't get cheeky with me, Mr. Spambot. Just because I'm Italian and I've got mafia connections doesn't mean you have any right to call me that. I know what's up.

In my previous post (see link above) I discussed the "message from a friend" genre of spam, where the headline of the email, despite being from Kwame_Nigeri666@internet-scam.com, is supposed to convince the reader that a friend is either angry at them or trapped outside in the snow. I am pleased to announce that my "message from a friend" emails are no longer from a friend who is angry that I locked them out in a Minnesota winter with only a laptop, but are now from friends who are angry that I shirked my part of a project. I'm no longer only a passive-aggressive backstabber-- I'm an intellectual passive-agressive backstabber. Moving up in the world!

Spam: Delicious (sort of), Nutritious (sort of), and Always Hilarious

Like many, despite the fact that I purchase my penis-enhancement drugs in back alleys* instead of on the internet, I receive a lot of spam to my email account. Many are the garden variety "Nigerian banker" messages, but there are some with particularly amusing titles. Here are some of my favorites, with spelling and grammar preserved in all of their mediocre glory.

"Outlast and outhit her" -- playing softball with your new girlfriend? You'll win, don't worry: all women have terrible hand-eye coordination.

"Your chemist wants to know if you areinterested..." -- He's discovered the philosopher's stone. It's 10 inches long and will keep you forever young.

"Watch her creamy jugs bounce" -- I assume this would link me to www.sexxxymilkmaids.com or something similar.

"So hard it's like a rock" -- They must be trying to sell me a Chevy truck. (Remember those commercials?)

"She scream in pain and pleasure" -- I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Ow, ow ow, brain freeze!

"Stop being a loser" -- could have used this in middle school, I suppose.

"Raid her vault tonight" -- no. just... no. Dear Mr. Spambot: you ain't comin' anywhere near my vault tonight, tomorrow night or any other night, for that matter. Even if it means I have to put guard dogs up around the perimeter.

"Who doesn't love a big gun in the pants?" -- who doesn't love an accidental shot in the leg? Oooh, ooh, ooh! Me!

"High-quality copies of swell watches!" -- well, golly gee whiz! Looks like Alfalfa and the rest of the gang from Little Rascals learned how to use the internet! And they're creating their own Ponzi scheme too! Ha ha ha, they're so cute!

"Obama show McCain what a real debate should be" -- wow, that sounds kind of hot, actually. I mean, what?

"Lead your boner to leadership" -- There are no words. I really couldn't make this one any funnier if I tried.

There have been a recent slew of messages that seem to be from people I've abandoned. "I've missed you." "Lost my number?)" "I don't know where are you!" "When will we meet again?" "It's cold outside." Not my problem, dude. For future reference, if I have abandoned you, email is not the best way to contact me, especially if you're about to freeze to death. I don't have an iPhone, and in spite of how it may seem, don't spend all of my time in front of my computer.

Which reminds me... there are also a series of messages that may or may not refer to iPhones and how badly women love them:

"Real men, real tools"
"She's so desperate for me now"
"When she saw it, her face lit up"
"Watch her get instantly geeked" -- really, I don't know what else this could refer to. Is this something in Urban Dictionary I should know about?

While it's true that women really go for "electronic devices" of a certain size or shape, guys, it's important to remember that it's not the size of your iPhone, but rather, how you use it that will ultimately make your woman happy. For example, you could use it to look up a new romantic restaurant or a jewelry store nearby. Chicks love that crap.

What about you all? Any favorite spam messages from the peanut gallery?

Hell No, We Won't Go... To the Ghettos, or to Crappy Chick Flicks

I went to see Defiance today with my family, which is the second WWII movie I've seen since I've been home. I was totally into the concept of the film-- I'm very interested in both the Holocaust and Daniel Craig (in different ways, of course) so it sounded like it was going to be pretty good

The only problem: it was also a film that involved a lot of traipsing around in the forest. And films that involve a lot of meandering through the forest inevitably have meandering plots as well. Telling the story of a group of nearly 1200 people is not without difficulties, and Defiance had a hard time creating a cohesive storyline with fleshed-out, multi faceted characters. Issues that should have been present throughout the entire film -- the meaning of resistance, the humanity of the enemy, diaspora -- popped up briefly, only to disappear again. Also, deus ex machina should just not be allowed in films about the Holocaust.

Defiance wasn't bad by any means; the performances were heartfelt, if not outstanding, and it treated its subject in a very sensitive manner. But with so many other outstanding, tightly written Holocaust films in existence, its weaknesses made it almost seem like an artistic lightweight in comparison. It certainly opened my eyes to a part of the Holocaust I haven't studied in much depth, and I'll definitely be picking up the monograph the film is based on -- I feel like the compelling story of the Bielski Otriad would be better told in book form.

More staggering than the filmmakers' decision not to use more Jewish actors (Craig acted well, but looked more like a rugby player alongside many of the Eastern European Jewish supporting actors) was the movie theater's decision to show the trailer for He's Just Not That Into You -- a bona fide boneheaded chick flick, before Defiance.

I'm usually only mildly incensed by most chick flicks, but HJNTIY took my anger to new levels. The portrayals of both men and women seemed grossly inaccurate, and, quite frankly, wildly offensive. Watch the trailer for yourself.

But wait! Maybe they only seemed inaccurate because I'm not in my late twenties/early thirties yet. Once the biological alarm clock goes off and starts demanding that I get to babymakin', maybe I'll be just as pathetic as the women of HJNTIY, who stare at their cell phones through yoga class, waiting for the confused, dim male stars of the movie to call them. I can't wait until I am consumed by the quiet panic of the genetically ingrained need to marry and everything else in my life seems meaningless. Woo hoo!

Also, they used the Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" in the preview. Not OK. The Cure are all about moping unapologetically in the abstract sense. One cannot fully appreciate the genius of "Bloodflowers" or "Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me" while waiting by the phone for the latest mediocre barfly to call. One should be between the ages of 14 and 21 and preferably wearing a Smiths T-Shirt. Zing.

Nutcase Spotlight: Cal Thomas

I've not been doing so well at this whole "posting on my blog" thing, and I apologize for that. It's mostly because my time has been taken up by other writing and editing endeavors at the newspaper I'm interning at over break (more to come on that).

Today, I'd like to share one of my most favorite nutcases of all time with you: Cal Thomas.



Cal Thomas is a syndicated columnist, the bent of whose opinion can be most kindly described as "far-right-wing." He speaks for the disenfranchised righteous conservatives of America. He used to have a fantastic moustache, which he shaved in 2006.

It takes a certain type of man to wear a caterpillar on his upper lip, and that man is the #1 syndicated columnist in America. But even that's not enough to pull off that shirt and tie combination. Sorry, Cal.

But enough fashion commentary from me, Goddess of the Mismatched Socks. There is much more to love to hate about Mr. Thomas than his sartorial choices.

Cal has two pet issues. The first is the plight of the religious right in America, which makes sense, considering he was the president of the Moral Majority from 1980 to 1985. Apparently, the religious right is on its way out... unless its members make drastic changes. Do something, concerned citizen, before it's too late!

Cal's other issue is Israel. He is the platonic ideal of the extremist, non-Jewish, pro-Israeli right-winger who has co-opted the pro-Israel stance in such a way that he paints anyone who proffers a different stance on how to solve the conflict as anti-Israel and anti-Jewish. I have yet to read a more righteous, dogmatic opinion on the situation in the Middle East from any other source.

Take his recent column, "The Gaza Nazis." Cal asserts that Hamas is, essentially, the new Nazi party, because both groups share a genocidal bent against the Jews, and doesn't go much further than that:

Jews are vermin and less than human, Hamas says. Oh, wait. Wasn't the same said of the Jews by the Nazis? The only difference is that today's killers don't speak German.

Whoa whoa whoa. This is not the place for me to get into my views on the Holocaust or the Middle East or a long treatise on my views on making historical comparisons, but something needs to be said about this. I concede the existence of similarities between Hamas and National Socialism (and also every other group in the history of the world that has tried to wipe out the Jews), but it is downright stupid to argue for a near-identical historical comparison between two groups using one point of ideology. Both the Holocaust and the Gaza issue are too complex to be reduced to such a caricature.

Furthermore, a statement along the lines of:

Is there an Arabic equivalent of "Sieg Heil"?

serves no purpose than to fan the flames of the hatred-fueled fire of the Israel- Palestine issue.

Moving on...Cal is a hard-hitting journalist. He hosts Fox News Watch, a program that's dedicated to ferreting out the liberal media. And lest you think he's naught but another talking head of the vast right-wing conspiracy, check out this recent interview he did with President Bush. Talk about in-depth!

But really, there's more to Cal than I give him credit for. I was reminded of this with his December 31st column, entitled "Make Love, Not War!" My first thought on reading this was that Cal must be going senile, and decided to reconnect with his true hippie self as a New Year's resolution. My second instinct was that he had lost a bet.

But alas, both of my initial instincts were wrong. The article is about a supposed CIA plan to give Taliban warlords Viagra.

The column, which only contains information from anonymous sources, features such pithy remarks as:

Not many would describe consensual sex as torture.

I'd agree with that. Well, unless you lie back and think of Dick Cheney.

And:

Adolf Hitler was 5 feet 8 inches tall. Josef Stalin was short and variously reported to be between 5-4 and 5-6. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is 5-4. Mao Zedong was 5-11, possibly the tallest of the modern despots. We know that Hitler and Mao had sexual hang-ups. Could all dictators share the same problem? Would Viagra, or something similar, have lessened the possibility of forced famines, war, the Holocaust and other mass killings? Were these caused at least in part by pent-up feelings of sexual inadequacy?

Cal, you've rendered me speechless.

And that, dear friends, is why I keep reading Cal Thomas, mustache or no.