Adulthood Ain't So Bad

Today, I am a woman. Why? Because I wanted fried tofu, and by golly, I made myself fried tofu. And it was so. good.

You too can become a woman, or man, by indulging your desire for fried tofu with the directions I've provided here at Spice and Sauce, my dear friend Audrey's blog. What's that you say? You don't have a desire for fried tofu? You soon will.

Also, the Japanese desire to anthropomorphize things can be super creepy, but I have to admit that this is the cutest soybean curd I've ever seen in my life.

The One Meme that Must Never Die

Look, Pavement, I'm really happy for you, but the Pixies had one of the BEST reunion tours ever. The BEST.

Look, Joe Wilson and Glenn Beck, I'm really happy that you both think you can act like a doofus on national television, but Bill O'Reilley was doing that WAY before you both were. WAAY before.

Look, H1N1, I'm really impressed by the way you're scaring the crap out of everyone, but the 1918 pandemic was the most deadly influenza strain in modern history. THE MOST DEADLY.

Look, Kanye and Taylor, I'm really amazed by your little spat, but the ending of Lady Gaga's performance was the most amazing* thing about the VMAs. Seriously. She looked like a piece of meat.

*And by amazing, I mean terrifying.

The Name on Everybody's Lips is Gonna Be... Jerry?

What does the former host of the most famous daytime talk show ever and the symbol of the downfall of American popular culture do in retirement? Take on the London stage, of course!

Jerry Springer, host of the eponymously named Jerry Springer Show, is now starring as slick lawyer Billy Flynn in the London performance of the popular musical. (His controversial namesake show recorded its last episode May 19 after budget cuts forced it to end). The New York Times review of the show focuses mostly on the obvious parallels between the musical's focus on facade and giving audiences what they want, but overlooks an obscure yet equally important parallel-- Springer's enormously successful political career. Springer worked on Robert F. Kennedy's campaign, held a seat on the Cincinatti town council and served as mayor, ran for Governor of Ohio, and according to his aides, had the charisma to run and win the presidency.

The story of how the most popular mayor of Cincinatti--ever-- made the change from upstanding, beloved political leader to questionable pop culture icon is detailed in a radio story that first aired on a 2004 episode of This American Life. If you haven't heard it, drop everything you're doing and listen to it right now-- it's an amazing character portrait and an extraordinary story that will blow your mind.

Jerry Springer's story takes on another dynamic in my current state of mind, which is roughly summarized as "oh my god I graduate next May what am I going to do with my life help help". Does anyone ever become exactly what they dreamed of being? And if not, is that good or bad?

Enough existential musing. Listen to the episode, and tell me if it doesn't make you want to hang out with Jerry Springer and find out exactly who he is.

Summer is...

Summer is for food budget-induced pseudovegetarianism.

Summer is for overcoming one's dislike of sand in exchange for the triumphant return of one's freckles.

Summer is for trying to teach 15 rowdy fourth graders the Italian words for tempi... and succeeding!

Summer is for getting caught in the rain and picked up by your housemate.

Summer is for hopefully reviving this blog... with book reviews, random musings, links and other decently entertaining things.*


*Yes, that includes Spam Quarantine Digest.

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN dun dun dun dun dun dun

If you're at all familiar with classical music, you may understand the title of this brief post, and be interested in checking out Google's homepage today! I posted about it on LOLbums, my other not-so-frequently updated blog. Reviving LOLbums (existential question: can you call it reviving a blog if there was only one post? hmmm...) is one of my goals this summer, along with applying for the Fulbright and Marshall scholarships, freelancing, exercising, playing my horn, curing cancer, and stopping the Earth from spinning on its access. At the moment, my activities more closely resemble playing with peanut sauce, going for long runs and getting lost, doing occasional research, and calling alums for money (hey, it's a legit job!) but let's not dwell on that.

Yes, this really is a police photo of Stravinsky! He was arrested in Boston in 1940 while conducting his arrangement of the Star Spangled Banner. Apparently he had broken an archaic law which made the reharmonization of the national anthem illegal. Methinks they just didn't like the arrangement, though. But who knows-- those policemen could have been classically trained!

Today's Menu: Spam Quarantine Digest Vol. 2

Apologies for the lack of posting-- I've been working on several posts, but by the time each post is close to done, it's no longer relevant. I do have one about the anniversary of the Tienamen Square massacre that I may post anyway even though that was, oh, last week. Stay tuned for thoughtful if belated commentary!

Today I turn to a less somber subject but one no less near and dear to my heart: spam. As I noted here, I get a kick out of reading the Spam Quarantine digest Brown's email service provides as a way to protect lonely undergrads desperate to enlarge their penises from internet scams. Today's digest brought a few more excellent entries:

"Sensation! Hollywood virgins' list!" This email just goes to show you the delightful ambiguity a grammar error can add to one's writing. Not only are there virgins in Hollywood (audible gasp!) but they have a list! Whatever could be on it?! Names of people not to have sex with? I also like the thought that the crazed sex fiends this email is clearly supposed to be targeting would want to know about those stars who are keeping their legs superglued together until marriage.

"Shock! NYers crapped pants" Oh wow, the contents of this email surprised those jaded New Yorkers?? I have to read it! What could it possibly be? Affordable housing prices?

"Hello, wise guy!" Now don't get cheeky with me, Mr. Spambot. Just because I'm Italian and I've got mafia connections doesn't mean you have any right to call me that. I know what's up.

In my previous post (see link above) I discussed the "message from a friend" genre of spam, where the headline of the email, despite being from Kwame_Nigeri666@internet-scam.com, is supposed to convince the reader that a friend is either angry at them or trapped outside in the snow. I am pleased to announce that my "message from a friend" emails are no longer from a friend who is angry that I locked them out in a Minnesota winter with only a laptop, but are now from friends who are angry that I shirked my part of a project. I'm no longer only a passive-aggressive backstabber-- I'm an intellectual passive-agressive backstabber. Moving up in the world!

Teenagers Like to Touch Each Other, Study Shows

An increasing number of American teenagers enjoy physical contact with their peers, a study released yesterday indicates.

Americans between the ages of 12 and 20 enjoy behaviors such as "high-fiving, hugging, kissing, necking, snogging, slapping each other upside the head, playing 'Miss Mary Mack,' tickling each other and French braiding each other's hair," said Dr. Aaron Schmitt, a behavioral psychologist at Avondale University, in a press release Tuesday.

According to Dr. Schmitt, teenagers use physical contact as a way to receive affirmation, bond with friends and acquaintances, and as a prelude to "getting jiggy with it."

When pressed as to how they feel about physical contact, local teenagers responded enthusiastically.

"OMG, I love touching!" said Eliza Ho, 15. "I just, like, totally, like, LOOOOVE hugging my friends hello! They are my best friends ever!!!!!" [Ed. note: Miss Ho requested our paper use at least five exclamation points to convey her love for her friends."

"Touching? It's great!" said Danny Schneider, a 14-year-old freshman at nearby Lakeview High. "I love giving girls hugs. Once this girl I like gave me a hug because I helped her cheat on the math test, and I felt her bra strap!"

Despite the inherent pleasure teenagers seem to derive from it, physical contact comes with its own set of rules, however.

"If you're hugging another guy, you've gotta make sure your crotch isn't anywhere near anyone else's," said Schneider.

"It's even better if you both shout 'NOT GAY! NOT GAY!' while patting each other on the back really hard," added his friend, Michael "No Homo" Ross, also 14.

Like their male counterparts, teenage girls also abide by a strict code when engaging in physical contact.

"There was this one girl who, like, totally offended me by wearing the same earrings as me AND liking the same guy," said Ho. "So when I found out about those things, the next time I saw her, I gave her a half-hearted side hug. THAT sure showed her!"

The code also governs male-female contact, though it has varying degrees of success.

"There was this guy who was totally into me, but I didn't like him in THAT way, so I hugged him for two seconds instead of three, but I don't think he got it," said Ho.

Was his name Danny, by any chance?

"How did you know?"

Some things never change.

Original Article: For Teenagers, Hello Means "How about a Hug?"
Further Reading: Is Hugging Bad for Teens?, New York Times Baffled by Teens Hugging