Clearing the Air

"Thornburg got it right with ruling on TVA pollution." Editorial, Asheville Citizen-Times, 22 January 2009.

I may have returned to Brown, but I'm still managing to write at the AC-T in spirit. Actually, I finished this editorial on my last day and it just now ran. This one was tough for me to write, because I knew almost nothing about coal power when I began. I'm really glad I had the opportunity to write this-- I wouldn't have done as much research about what is a really important issue. So now I know about coal. Hooray!

Still working on my editorial voice. For some reason, I'm less folksy and snarky when I'm writing as an editorial board. The editors at the AC-T were very patient with me and gave me good edits for this, as always.

The day is finally here...

"Asheville residents recall meeting Obama." Features Article, Asheville Citizen-Times, 18 January 2009.

We've all waited for it. Dreamed about it. Considered how much better our lives would be after it. At times, it seemed like it would never come about. But that day is finally here.

At long last, I have written my first features article for a non-campus publication. It's time to break out the champagne, obviously.

I really enjoyed the process of putting together this article-- though I was a bit apprehensive about doing interviews, my worries soon faded away once I started talking to people and hearing their stories. When I hear someone get excited about something, I can't help but get excited about it as well, which makes the story so much easier to write. I felt like the narrative for this story just fell together.

The night this article ran, I received a call from Payam, the Iranian-American I interviewed, thanking me for the article and how I portrayed him. When writing, I always worry about presenting the truth. I felt like I had received the ultimate compliment, to receive such high praise from one of my subjects.

I know this isn't a hard-hitting news story, and I don't pretend that this was especially trying to research, but I think I'm allowed to feel proud of what I've done. The world needs to hear about the Payams of the world just as much as we need to be informed of attacks in Gaza or plane crashes.

Spam: Delicious (sort of), Nutritious (sort of), and Always Hilarious

Like many, despite the fact that I purchase my penis-enhancement drugs in back alleys* instead of on the internet, I receive a lot of spam to my email account. Many are the garden variety "Nigerian banker" messages, but there are some with particularly amusing titles. Here are some of my favorites, with spelling and grammar preserved in all of their mediocre glory.

"Outlast and outhit her" -- playing softball with your new girlfriend? You'll win, don't worry: all women have terrible hand-eye coordination.

"Your chemist wants to know if you areinterested..." -- He's discovered the philosopher's stone. It's 10 inches long and will keep you forever young.

"Watch her creamy jugs bounce" -- I assume this would link me to www.sexxxymilkmaids.com or something similar.

"So hard it's like a rock" -- They must be trying to sell me a Chevy truck. (Remember those commercials?)

"She scream in pain and pleasure" -- I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Ow, ow ow, brain freeze!

"Stop being a loser" -- could have used this in middle school, I suppose.

"Raid her vault tonight" -- no. just... no. Dear Mr. Spambot: you ain't comin' anywhere near my vault tonight, tomorrow night or any other night, for that matter. Even if it means I have to put guard dogs up around the perimeter.

"Who doesn't love a big gun in the pants?" -- who doesn't love an accidental shot in the leg? Oooh, ooh, ooh! Me!

"High-quality copies of swell watches!" -- well, golly gee whiz! Looks like Alfalfa and the rest of the gang from Little Rascals learned how to use the internet! And they're creating their own Ponzi scheme too! Ha ha ha, they're so cute!

"Obama show McCain what a real debate should be" -- wow, that sounds kind of hot, actually. I mean, what?

"Lead your boner to leadership" -- There are no words. I really couldn't make this one any funnier if I tried.

There have been a recent slew of messages that seem to be from people I've abandoned. "I've missed you." "Lost my number?)" "I don't know where are you!" "When will we meet again?" "It's cold outside." Not my problem, dude. For future reference, if I have abandoned you, email is not the best way to contact me, especially if you're about to freeze to death. I don't have an iPhone, and in spite of how it may seem, don't spend all of my time in front of my computer.

Which reminds me... there are also a series of messages that may or may not refer to iPhones and how badly women love them:

"Real men, real tools"
"She's so desperate for me now"
"When she saw it, her face lit up"
"Watch her get instantly geeked" -- really, I don't know what else this could refer to. Is this something in Urban Dictionary I should know about?

While it's true that women really go for "electronic devices" of a certain size or shape, guys, it's important to remember that it's not the size of your iPhone, but rather, how you use it that will ultimately make your woman happy. For example, you could use it to look up a new romantic restaurant or a jewelry store nearby. Chicks love that crap.

What about you all? Any favorite spam messages from the peanut gallery?

Hell No, We Won't Go... To the Ghettos, or to Crappy Chick Flicks

I went to see Defiance today with my family, which is the second WWII movie I've seen since I've been home. I was totally into the concept of the film-- I'm very interested in both the Holocaust and Daniel Craig (in different ways, of course) so it sounded like it was going to be pretty good

The only problem: it was also a film that involved a lot of traipsing around in the forest. And films that involve a lot of meandering through the forest inevitably have meandering plots as well. Telling the story of a group of nearly 1200 people is not without difficulties, and Defiance had a hard time creating a cohesive storyline with fleshed-out, multi faceted characters. Issues that should have been present throughout the entire film -- the meaning of resistance, the humanity of the enemy, diaspora -- popped up briefly, only to disappear again. Also, deus ex machina should just not be allowed in films about the Holocaust.

Defiance wasn't bad by any means; the performances were heartfelt, if not outstanding, and it treated its subject in a very sensitive manner. But with so many other outstanding, tightly written Holocaust films in existence, its weaknesses made it almost seem like an artistic lightweight in comparison. It certainly opened my eyes to a part of the Holocaust I haven't studied in much depth, and I'll definitely be picking up the monograph the film is based on -- I feel like the compelling story of the Bielski Otriad would be better told in book form.

More staggering than the filmmakers' decision not to use more Jewish actors (Craig acted well, but looked more like a rugby player alongside many of the Eastern European Jewish supporting actors) was the movie theater's decision to show the trailer for He's Just Not That Into You -- a bona fide boneheaded chick flick, before Defiance.

I'm usually only mildly incensed by most chick flicks, but HJNTIY took my anger to new levels. The portrayals of both men and women seemed grossly inaccurate, and, quite frankly, wildly offensive. Watch the trailer for yourself.

But wait! Maybe they only seemed inaccurate because I'm not in my late twenties/early thirties yet. Once the biological alarm clock goes off and starts demanding that I get to babymakin', maybe I'll be just as pathetic as the women of HJNTIY, who stare at their cell phones through yoga class, waiting for the confused, dim male stars of the movie to call them. I can't wait until I am consumed by the quiet panic of the genetically ingrained need to marry and everything else in my life seems meaningless. Woo hoo!

Also, they used the Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" in the preview. Not OK. The Cure are all about moping unapologetically in the abstract sense. One cannot fully appreciate the genius of "Bloodflowers" or "Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me" while waiting by the phone for the latest mediocre barfly to call. One should be between the ages of 14 and 21 and preferably wearing a Smiths T-Shirt. Zing.

Turn your head, cough, and ponder the health care crisis in this country...

"Let's not let health care slide during this recession." Editorial, Asheville Citizen-Times, 6 January 2009.

My first-ever editorial for any publication! It's fun yet terrifying to write as the opinion of the paper's editorial staff-- on one hand, you have the excitement, power and anonymity of writing the opinion of a group that holds high standing in a community; on the other, you have a feeling best described as "oh gosh what if i screw up and make everyone think the paper endorses bestiality*???" So it can be very hard to balance these two emotions when writing an editorial.

All in all, though, this was fun to write. It was a challenging assignment in many (good) ways, and I know I didn't fully capture the difficulty of the health care situation. There are some people who just can't afford health care, no matter what, and I feel kind of bad for telling them it's their duty to go to the doctor.

Fun game for readers: how many health care-related puns can you find in this editorial? First one to respond with the correct answer wins a comprehensive single-payer national health care system!


*For the record, the Asheville Citizen-Times does not endorse bestiality. Just in case that wasn't clear in the editorial

It is Written

I'm going to join the thunderous chorus of approval ricocheting around the world for Slumdog Millionaire, which has thankfully been echoed by the Golden Globe voters. Drop everything and see this beautifully filmed and expertly crafted Dickensian tale-- I've never seen a crowd more riveted in the movie theatre than when I went to see the film on Saturday night.

The cast is phenomenal, especially the young children. The movie has received some criticism for what some consider to be a cavalier portrayal of poverty in India, but I thought the actors displayed an acute sensitivity towards a difficult subject. Dev Patel's flickering-eyed Jamal effectively captures the lingering effects of his character's childhood trauma. Watching him sweat as each question brings back intense and sometimes violent memories, you wonder just what goes on in the heads of other game show contestants you see while flipping channels idly.


Also, I am so excited for Waltz with Bashir- an animated documentary about one man's attempt to remember his experiences during the 1982 Lebanon war. The preview that ran before the film was breathtaking, and from what I've read, it sounds like the film takes a multifaceted approach to what is a very difficult and controversial subject.

I could say that I prefer Oscar season to the summer movie season because the films are artistically superior and more interesting and whatnot, and that would be true. But the other reason I love shelling out 10 bucks nearly every weekend from January to March is that the subjects of the films tend to be difficult, dark, and depressing. I inherently prefer 'depressing' to 'action' or 'fluff' because (a) I am a masochist, and (b) I am the originator of the greatest fake concentration ever, Depressing Studies.

Nutcase Spotlight: Cal Thomas

I've not been doing so well at this whole "posting on my blog" thing, and I apologize for that. It's mostly because my time has been taken up by other writing and editing endeavors at the newspaper I'm interning at over break (more to come on that).

Today, I'd like to share one of my most favorite nutcases of all time with you: Cal Thomas.



Cal Thomas is a syndicated columnist, the bent of whose opinion can be most kindly described as "far-right-wing." He speaks for the disenfranchised righteous conservatives of America. He used to have a fantastic moustache, which he shaved in 2006.

It takes a certain type of man to wear a caterpillar on his upper lip, and that man is the #1 syndicated columnist in America. But even that's not enough to pull off that shirt and tie combination. Sorry, Cal.

But enough fashion commentary from me, Goddess of the Mismatched Socks. There is much more to love to hate about Mr. Thomas than his sartorial choices.

Cal has two pet issues. The first is the plight of the religious right in America, which makes sense, considering he was the president of the Moral Majority from 1980 to 1985. Apparently, the religious right is on its way out... unless its members make drastic changes. Do something, concerned citizen, before it's too late!

Cal's other issue is Israel. He is the platonic ideal of the extremist, non-Jewish, pro-Israeli right-winger who has co-opted the pro-Israel stance in such a way that he paints anyone who proffers a different stance on how to solve the conflict as anti-Israel and anti-Jewish. I have yet to read a more righteous, dogmatic opinion on the situation in the Middle East from any other source.

Take his recent column, "The Gaza Nazis." Cal asserts that Hamas is, essentially, the new Nazi party, because both groups share a genocidal bent against the Jews, and doesn't go much further than that:

Jews are vermin and less than human, Hamas says. Oh, wait. Wasn't the same said of the Jews by the Nazis? The only difference is that today's killers don't speak German.

Whoa whoa whoa. This is not the place for me to get into my views on the Holocaust or the Middle East or a long treatise on my views on making historical comparisons, but something needs to be said about this. I concede the existence of similarities between Hamas and National Socialism (and also every other group in the history of the world that has tried to wipe out the Jews), but it is downright stupid to argue for a near-identical historical comparison between two groups using one point of ideology. Both the Holocaust and the Gaza issue are too complex to be reduced to such a caricature.

Furthermore, a statement along the lines of:

Is there an Arabic equivalent of "Sieg Heil"?

serves no purpose than to fan the flames of the hatred-fueled fire of the Israel- Palestine issue.

Moving on...Cal is a hard-hitting journalist. He hosts Fox News Watch, a program that's dedicated to ferreting out the liberal media. And lest you think he's naught but another talking head of the vast right-wing conspiracy, check out this recent interview he did with President Bush. Talk about in-depth!

But really, there's more to Cal than I give him credit for. I was reminded of this with his December 31st column, entitled "Make Love, Not War!" My first thought on reading this was that Cal must be going senile, and decided to reconnect with his true hippie self as a New Year's resolution. My second instinct was that he had lost a bet.

But alas, both of my initial instincts were wrong. The article is about a supposed CIA plan to give Taliban warlords Viagra.

The column, which only contains information from anonymous sources, features such pithy remarks as:

Not many would describe consensual sex as torture.

I'd agree with that. Well, unless you lie back and think of Dick Cheney.

And:

Adolf Hitler was 5 feet 8 inches tall. Josef Stalin was short and variously reported to be between 5-4 and 5-6. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is 5-4. Mao Zedong was 5-11, possibly the tallest of the modern despots. We know that Hitler and Mao had sexual hang-ups. Could all dictators share the same problem? Would Viagra, or something similar, have lessened the possibility of forced famines, war, the Holocaust and other mass killings? Were these caused at least in part by pent-up feelings of sexual inadequacy?

Cal, you've rendered me speechless.

And that, dear friends, is why I keep reading Cal Thomas, mustache or no.

The President-Elect Walks into a Bar...

"We can learn to laugh with politicians, not just at them." Guest Commentary, Asheville Citizen-Times, 7 January 2009.

I had a lot of fun writing this. Pieces like these remind me of why I love writing opinions-- I love the opportunity to use a snappy, critical voice and throw in some wordplay as well. In all sincerity, I think that Obama's "mutts like me" comment may be one of the most important statements on race of our time.

Still need to decide if I'm going to be an opinions columnist again this semester. On one hand, I love getting to choose my topic and be playful with my language, but on the other, I really need the reporting experience. Decisions, decisions.

Resolutions for 2009

I know, I know, I promised this blog wouldn't be personal. I don't think I'm breaking that promise, as they aren't too specific; no "I resolve to hold my temper, even around effin' skanks like that slut Mary Sue who pushed me down the stairs for mackin' on her man" or "I resolve to get that huge mole on my left buttock removed. Even though it's good for predicting the weather, it really detracts from my sex appeal, and I fear it may be cancerous."* Nope, nothing like that, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective).

So here are my resolutions for the year. I'm posting them in this great public forum we call the internet, because I'm trusting you, my friends, to keep me honest.

- I resolve to write more, and to never stop critiquing and making what I produce better. Ideally, I will write something (other than school assignments) everyday.

- I resolve to exercise more, and maybe even run a 5k or half-marathon. Actually, maybe I'd better start by running a mile without stopping. But the sentiment is there!

- I resolve to practice the French horn more. I literally cannot remember the last time I actually legitimately practiced my instrument, which may explain my

- I resolve to relegate all bouts of self-pity to less than 15 minutes, ideally 10. I also resolve to not allow myself to start another bout immediately after I finish one.

-On a related note, I resolve to reallocate the time I use brooding, stewing or worrying for other pursuits.

- I resolve to be less afraid of the phone, and in general, better at returning calls, emails and letters.

- I resolve to become the editor-in-chief of a major alternative weekly publication, achieve fame and fortune as an internationally-known hand model, and win the lottery. Hey, everyone needs something impossible to strive for.

And with that, I wish you all a happy new year.


*For the record, I don't have a huge mole on my left buttock, or anywhere else on my body. That skank Mary Sue, however, is a different story...