Spam: Delicious (sort of), Nutritious (sort of), and Always Hilarious

Like many, despite the fact that I purchase my penis-enhancement drugs in back alleys* instead of on the internet, I receive a lot of spam to my email account. Many are the garden variety "Nigerian banker" messages, but there are some with particularly amusing titles. Here are some of my favorites, with spelling and grammar preserved in all of their mediocre glory.

"Outlast and outhit her" -- playing softball with your new girlfriend? You'll win, don't worry: all women have terrible hand-eye coordination.

"Your chemist wants to know if you areinterested..." -- He's discovered the philosopher's stone. It's 10 inches long and will keep you forever young.

"Watch her creamy jugs bounce" -- I assume this would link me to www.sexxxymilkmaids.com or something similar.

"So hard it's like a rock" -- They must be trying to sell me a Chevy truck. (Remember those commercials?)

"She scream in pain and pleasure" -- I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Ow, ow ow, brain freeze!

"Stop being a loser" -- could have used this in middle school, I suppose.

"Raid her vault tonight" -- no. just... no. Dear Mr. Spambot: you ain't comin' anywhere near my vault tonight, tomorrow night or any other night, for that matter. Even if it means I have to put guard dogs up around the perimeter.

"Who doesn't love a big gun in the pants?" -- who doesn't love an accidental shot in the leg? Oooh, ooh, ooh! Me!

"High-quality copies of swell watches!" -- well, golly gee whiz! Looks like Alfalfa and the rest of the gang from Little Rascals learned how to use the internet! And they're creating their own Ponzi scheme too! Ha ha ha, they're so cute!

"Obama show McCain what a real debate should be" -- wow, that sounds kind of hot, actually. I mean, what?

"Lead your boner to leadership" -- There are no words. I really couldn't make this one any funnier if I tried.

There have been a recent slew of messages that seem to be from people I've abandoned. "I've missed you." "Lost my number?)" "I don't know where are you!" "When will we meet again?" "It's cold outside." Not my problem, dude. For future reference, if I have abandoned you, email is not the best way to contact me, especially if you're about to freeze to death. I don't have an iPhone, and in spite of how it may seem, don't spend all of my time in front of my computer.

Which reminds me... there are also a series of messages that may or may not refer to iPhones and how badly women love them:

"Real men, real tools"
"She's so desperate for me now"
"When she saw it, her face lit up"
"Watch her get instantly geeked" -- really, I don't know what else this could refer to. Is this something in Urban Dictionary I should know about?

While it's true that women really go for "electronic devices" of a certain size or shape, guys, it's important to remember that it's not the size of your iPhone, but rather, how you use it that will ultimately make your woman happy. For example, you could use it to look up a new romantic restaurant or a jewelry store nearby. Chicks love that crap.

What about you all? Any favorite spam messages from the peanut gallery?